God. An interesting concept, if not a superfluous one, where an invisible man in the sky exists, and “He” is supposedly omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent, the Alpha and the Omega. I say fuck him. If he does exist at all, fuck him all the more. If you are Catholic, prepare to have the entire driving force behind your life shattered.
Let’s begin, in the interest of logic, (something which religion seems to struggle with) in the beginning.
So “God” creates the universe. He defines darkness and the light. He creates the universe in all its infinite glory and splendour. Then supposedly, he creates man. His first (known) mistake, by the way. But that’s for another post; I digress. So he creates Adam. In all his infinite wisdom, he fucks up something so basic, by creating a somewhat intelligent sentient being, which is fallible in every way, susceptible to every temptation. He then takes Adam, and throws him into what is described in the bible as a tropical paradise, a triumph of creation. He does this, despite being omniscient and KNOWING that in a matter of days, months or years, Adam and Eve’s fallibility and human condition (gullibility, vulnerability to flattery, curiousity) will be exposed; they will partake from the Tree of Knowledge, something expressly forbidden by “God”, and will thus be expelled from the Garden, destined to suffer for the rest of their lives, never to return or be forgiven. For this act of sadism beyond the reach of any known serial killer, FUCK GOD. If you wish to make a baby cry, you must first give it something it desires, then take it away. This is exactly what “God” did, and for doing so, he’s a sadistic little weasel. But the extent of sadism displayed doesn’t stop there, oh no, for even now, thousands of years following the minor transgression of EATING A PIECE OF FRUIT, every human being on the planet is still denied entry to paradise, and we didn’t even do anything! We are paying for a mistake made thousands of years ago? That hardly makes sense now does it? I WANT MY SHOT AT PARADISE YOU SELF-SERVING CUNT! For not getting it, I say fuck god.
Next comes the story of Noah and the great flood. Am I the only one who has the slightest semblance of a brain when it comes to this story? Noah takes two of every animal to ever exist…puts them all on a single boat…climbs onto said boat with his family, and watches as the Angel of death floods the Earth and drowns every last motherfucker on it. WOW. Where to begin punching holes in this story? Firstly, a boat of that proportion would require years, if not decades, to construct, not that the bible offers us any realistic timeframe anyway. Secondly, am I the only one who has ever heard of genetic bottlenecking? The Cheetah population is literally falling apart as a result of genetic bottlenecking that occurred during the second ice age. The fact is, as the number of animals decreases, the less diversity you get in breeding, thus a species becomes susceptible to all sorts of diseases and whatnot. Not to mention that if Noah took only two of every animal, inbreeding would run rampant and no species could survive, human beings included. For presenting us with a ridiculous story and having the nerve to expect us to believe it, I say FUCK GOD.
But okay, moving onto the topic of Moses and the Jews, God’s so-called “chosen people”. The bible conveniently omits the portion that follows the statement “chosen people”, but it reads, “I choose to totally fuck with you”. That anti-Semitic prick. First, his “chosen people” are enslaved via the Egyptians, before he convinces some lunatic called Moses to free them. The purpose seems a little unclear at this point, seeing as how they were made to roam the desert for FORTY FUCKING YEARS immediately after being freed. After all the effort Moses went through, and against all odds actually succeeded in carrying out “God’s” will, the infinitely wise creator doesn’t think to give the prick directions? Not even a fucking map for Moses? Of course, I realise that god supposedly did this to punish the Jews for not believing that god would deliver unto them the land of milk and honey, but to punish them by proving them right? Hmmm, not sounding so infallible anymore…Let’s skip ahead a few thousand years, and meet another man God could have prevented the birth of. His name was Adolf Hitler. This man systematically WIPES OUT over SIX MILLION of “God’s” so-called “chosen people”. I’d like to consider myself reasonably intelligent, I’m by no means a genius, but I’d like to think I’m perceptive to a decent degree. However, I’m at a total fucking loss as to the perks of being one of “God’s chosen people”. So for the Jews and their thousands of years of suffering, discrimination and murder, I say FUCK GOD.
Still not convinced? Well let’s reference some additional sadism in the bible. Get out your “holy books” kids, and flip over to the Old Testament, Numbers 31, Chapter 31. You’re looking for the chapter called “The Extermination of the Midianites”. Some time after the Jews escaped that hell of a desert, “God” commanded Moses to murder the Midianites. His reason for this was simply revenge for the Israelites. The Midianites did not believe in him and were thusly “suffering”. That seems to be a major point in Catholicism; if someone doesn’t believe in the same deity as you, KILL THE MOTHERFUCKER. But moving on, “God” took it upon himself to decide the Midianites were suffering. Never mind the fact they were living normal lives, and not committing suicide at ridiculous rates. If they were truly suffering, they’d end their own fucking lives. But the extent of “God’s” brutality and thirst for bloodshed doesn’t stop there. Moses and the Jews killed the male, children and females who were not virgins. The virgins were kept, because walking around the desert for forty years apparently makes you horny, and with “God’s” consent, even rape is acceptable. This tiny section alone proves just how much of an asshole “God” is, and that he promotes violence, slaughter and rape to attain ones ends. Not to mention the fact that despite god handing Moses a set of tablets that explicitly state “Thou shalt not kill”, Moses himself sneakily murdered an Egyptian man (Exodus 2:12) and buried him in the sand. So I guess “Thou shalt try really, really hard not to kill, but if you do, ah well, fuck it” is more appropriate. Yet Moses is still given a place in eternal paradise despite breaking what is quite possibly (and arguably from a moral standpoint) the most serious of all commandments. Then again, God doesn’t really have a problem with murder, not really. If you read the bible cover to cover, you’ll see it contains more acts of violence than any other text or media in existence. All in “His” name. Praise the Lord! For the lives of all the Midianites, male, female and children, and for being a damned hypocritical prick, I say FUCK GOD.
Now we get to the section most people will have an opinion on: Jesus. God’s only son. Being the cuntrag that god is, he creates a son…for the sole purpose of killing him. So god creates jesus, for the sole purpose of death. From the moment jesus is born, he recognises god has a plan for him. He knows he is special. Yet he wastes the first (and best) thirty years of his life in Joseph’s carpentry business as a total fucking nobody. He doesn’t screw a single girl? No wonder he thought he was the son of god, he was delusional from lack of sex! So finally, jesus gets some sort of stimuli to leave home (god told Joseph to fuck him up the ass…that’s my theory anyway) and starts preaching some crazy shit. After a while of this, jesus gets recognised for the fraud he is, and is taken to prison. At this point you’d think god would finally start being a father to his son, pay his bail and sweep the matter under the rug, but oh no, instead, he convinces the people to crucify his fucking son! Even when his son is on the cross, begging his father to stop the pain, god does nothing. Now the first thing I would have done after ascending to heaven would be to kick god square in the nuts for that. So anyway, jesus dies, ascends to heaven, and three days later, rises from the dead. But instead of appearing to a high priest, or even ANYONE who wanted him crucified for blasphemy, he only appears to his disciples, those who believed he was the son of god in the first place. Wow. That is the worst marketing ploy ever, hands down. Personally, I would have sent jesus to the non-believers, in order to convince them…but that’s just me….and common sense. So for being a total moron in spite of his infinite wisdom, and for orchestrating the murder of his only son, I say FUCK GOD.
Furthermore on the topic of jesus, people will argue that jesus died for our sins…but if he did, why are people still going to end up in hell? Seems rather redundant to kill gods only son if he cant absolve all of mankind for their sins, regardless of acceptance of jesus as personal saviour or not, right? I mean, its been over two thousand years since the death of this so called saviour, god had to assume (but being omniscient, KNOW seems the only logical conclusion) after that long, at least SOME people would question the validity of the story and require proof before blindly believing, right? WRONG. In order to gain passage to paradise, one must suspend their knowledge of the universe and logic itself. Now you’d think that god, being the supreme being that he is, would foresee the obvious problem that humans would eventually question the legitimacy of the story if two thousand years after the fact, not a single event has occurred to reinforce or re-establish mankind’s faith. Something akin to a faith fill up station would be nice oh lord. For not providing us with anything other than empty words and still expecting blind worship, I say FUCK YOU GOD!
(Edit: god, jesus and the holy spirit are all one, ergo, god created himself in human form...and then sacrificed himself to...himself? All this to save us from our sins, on the provision we accept jesus as our saviour. If he were the omnipotent being he claims to be, couldn't he just wave his hand and say, "all sins are forgiven"? Why must the process involve torture and bloodshed? Answer: god loves violence.)
The coup de grace: 9/11, the Bali bombings, the tsunami, Haiti earthquake and every other disaster that has happened in history. These people were either sitting in their offices working, or trying to relax, or gathering food for their tribe, just minding their own business, when something totally unexpected comes along and fucks their shit up. What a way to die. Sure, these people may not have been perfect, many of them were probably far from it, but judge them in the afterlife, at least give them the opportunity to life. I never wanted this life, but now that I have it, I’ll be damned if anyone has the right to take it away except myself. The only person to decide whether or not I should die prematurely is ME. Not a bunch of pissed off Muslims, not some badass wave, and certainly not some asshole in the sky. And so for taking the lives of millions of innocent people for no apparent reason, FUCK GOD.
To all those who see this fictional character as still deserving of worship, or even belief, you are a detriment to the human species, and the reason why this species is currently circling the drain, edging ever closer to inevitable extinction. Grow up you fucking idiot. I have nothing but the utmost contempt for you.
I'd like to finish off with two quotes I've always found particularly eloquent:
...Religion is the opiate of the masses...